This isn't one of those new parenting revelations, but just a healthy review. When kids are facing a conflict with one of their peers, there are three steps that they could take in order to resolve it. If a child comes to me and expresses that he is being provoked by another child, then I will ask that child how he responded. If he is a tattle-tell and just came to me first, then I will send him back to the other child after explaining to him that he needs to develop some skills on how to resolve his own conflict. I instruct the child to explain to his peer that his behavior is provoking him, express how he feels, and to tell his peer to please stop with a polite but assertive tone of voice. It's important for kids to start advocating for themselves and to practice how they can express their feelings appropriately to others, especially when they are frustrated. The second step the child will need to take if communicating to his peer doesn't work, is to walk away from the annoying peer and do something else. This may not seem fair if the child was playing with the toy first or was in a specific space first, but kids need to learn early that not all hills are worth dying for (parent's need to watch out for kids who may take advantage of this).
Parent's or child care workers can't always put out fires for our kids, but we must be able to teach them the skills to manage their own conflict. Unfortunately, kids don't always pay attention to social cues (i.e., peer walking away and not playing with him anymore) or sometimes they just want to continue provoking. I always provide the child with the third step, which is talking to a parent or an adult so they can intervene. The adult should not intervene when the conflict initially comes to the surface unless their is an immediate safety risk.
This strategy will need to be enforced, reminded, explained and re-explained until it becomes a habit to the to the child. When you are tired of reminding them of this technique, that's when it will start catching on. It's a blessing when kids stop tattle-telling and start managing conflict on their own!
Shouldn't adults be addressing the issue with the conflicted party first, instead of going to others, as well??? This is something we can all work on.
Tony Nichols
