Parenting Prompts

Conflict Management 

This isn't one of those new parenting revelations, but just a healthy review.  When kids are facing a conflict with one of their peers, there are three steps that they could take in order to resolve it.  If a child comes to me and expresses that he is being provoked by another child, then I will ask that child how he responded.  If he is a tattle-tell and just came to me first, then I will send him back to the other child after explaining to him that he needs to develop some skills on how to resolve his own conflict.  I instruct the child to explain to his peer that his behavior is provoking him, express how he feels, and to tell his peer to please stop with a polite but assertive tone of voice.  It's important for kids to start advocating for themselves and to practice how they can express their feelings appropriately to others, especially when they are frustrated.  The second step the child will need to take if communicating to his peer doesn't work, is to walk away from the annoying peer and do something else.  This may not seem fair if the child was playing with the toy first or was in a specific space first, but kids need to learn early that not all hills are worth dying for (parent's need to watch out for kids who may take advantage of this).      

Parent's or child care workers can't always put out fires for our kids, but we must be able to teach them the skills to manage their own conflict.  Unfortunately, kids don't always pay attention to social cues (i.e., peer walking away and not playing with him anymore) or sometimes they just want to continue provoking.  I always provide the child with the third step, which is talking to a parent or an adult so they can intervene.  The adult should not intervene when the conflict initially comes to the surface unless their is an immediate safety risk.

This strategy will need to be enforced, reminded, explained and re-explained until it becomes a habit to the to the child.  When you are tired of reminding them of this technique, that's when it will start catching on.  It's a blessing when kids stop tattle-telling and start managing conflict on their own!

Shouldn't adults be addressing the issue with the conflicted party first, instead of going to others, as well???  This is something we can all work on.

Tony Nichols

Combating Depression

Combating Depression

Feeling alone during the holidays can easily trigger one's depression.  When this happens the individual can begin producing self-defeating thoughts (i.e., I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to hang out with family.  These people don't want me around anyway.)  A person in this state may not need a new family but perhaps just some help developing healthier thinking patterns.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a therapeutic technique used to help the client combat irrational thinking and develop new skills.  Once the CBT technique is learned, one can also utilize its principles at home.  If you have depression you may not need a life long battle in therapy but just sixteen sessions or so to learn the technique for yourself.  If a person is struggling with low self-esteem he might be experiencing negative thoughts about his/her abilities and/or appearance, Due to these negative thinking patterns someone may pass up a promotion at work or avoid social situations with friends.

Challenge: Exercise with others

In order to relieve the client of these destructive thinking patterns, the therapist helps the client identify the problematic beliefs. This stage of the therapy is called functional analysis, which helps with learning how feelings, thoughts, or situations can contribute to maladaptive behaviors. This can be extremely difficult for clients that typically refuse to look introspectively.  The difficulty is exacerbated by not only asking the client to look deeper into situations differently, but when the client's mind is obsessing about one particular perspective (aka: tunnel vision).

The next part of CBT focuses on the maladaptive behaviors. Through psycho-education the client begins to learn new ways to manage his/her emotions in a healthy manner. If a person is struggling with depression there might be a chance that he/she is compounding the problem by self-medicating with alcohol or other drugs. This would be the step when the client practices new coping skills to use in real world situations to avoid a relapse or digging deeper into depression. The client would point out anxiety-provoking situations and then practice those social situations with the new skills.

The goal of CBT is to help a client gradually change his/her behaviors over time to produce a more healthy lifestyle, whether it is better managing emotions or developing healthier relationships.  Homework may be used in CBT such as exercise (to release those feel good endorphin's) or socializing with others that you may not engage with otherwise, as practice.

Practice makes perfect!

Tony Nichols

--I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life.         

Addiction Recovery: Stages of Change

Thinking of Change?

Giving up an addiction is the hardest obstacle in life to do.  The addiction is such a struggle to give up because we like the substance or thing we are addicted to.

I love the way coffee makes me feel in the morning when I drink it.  The smell of it brewing, the taste, and then the tingling feeling in my brain after gulping down the first drink.  I continue to drink coffee because I love it!  Using alcohol, marijuana, consuming excessive amounts of fried chicken, or winning lottery tickets feel good to those who engage in those substances, activities or eat certain foods.  Why would we give up something that feels so good?  This is why it is so hard to quit a substance or behavior that we love, but sometimes it is necessary for our health, financial situation, relationships, etc.  We need to ask what is the cost or risk of continuing the addiction or behavior?  Good thing my coffee addiction doesn't present too many risks!-- That's easy to say with all other addictions too.

Though addiction/behavior-educational material is important through this process, this isn't a treatsie on the dangers of your addiction, but only some ideas to think about if you are wanting to change (i.e. contemplation stage).  Inevitably, it is your choice and your life anyway.  DiClemente and Prochaska's (1983) Stages of Change model shows how an addicted person recovers.

1. Precontemplation (unaware of the problem)
2. Contemplation (becomes aware of the problem and the desired behavior change)
3. Preperation (intends to take action)
4. Action (practices the desired behavior)
5. Maintenance (works to sustain the behavior change)
  
Relapse can occur at any stage (drinking a beer after a year of sobriety or smoking a cigarette after six months of cessation).  A person can also sit on one stage longer than the others.  It may take an individual six months to decide that he is ready to take action after deciding he needs to put the booze down. The diagram above helps one to think about what step he or she is facing next.  Due to excessive stress around the holidays, should a coping skill be developed to sustain the behavior change?  Due to a court hearing one may need to start practicing the desired change to avoid more issues.  What's next?

Which step are you on?  Are you aware there is a problem?  Use the beginning of 2015 to make a change for the better!  

Tony Nichols

Seeking a Healthy Marriage?

Marriage Defined: work. play. co-habitat. enjoy. disappointment. frustrating. exciting. confusing. difficult. breath-taking, dysfunctional, conflict. interesting. curious. unconditional. non-compatible. pleasurable.

These are all words that can describe a marriage.

There is plenty that is written and explored within the topic of developing a healthy marriage and loving relationships.  The English word "love" may be the most sought after or awkwardly used word in the beginning of a relationship (we've all been there), but often times isn't specific enough in expressing one's true feelings.  One's love for tacos isn't the same love that one possesses for his bride (if it is, maybe that's the problem).

Journey- Nine More Months!!

It's been a while since I have posted anything.  This summer I was able to take a deep breath and relax a little from school.  It felt really good!  Camping trips, long family walks, a wedding in KS, a romantic summer night in Chicago at a play, and time at the park and playing in the yard with the kiddos have been wonderful.  I began my educational journey in August of 1986 as a Kindergartner in Avon, IN.  I will be ending that journey this year at LCU in Lincoln, IL in May of 2015.  God willing, this will be my last year!  Fortunately, I just need to complete a two-semester internship and one more class for licensure.  I love setting and meeting goals!  It has taken a lot of dedication and sacrifice to keep the target in site; props to my wife for putting up with me and a very chaotic schedule!  My prayers and positive self-talk will be screaming this year's motto: Nine more months-we can do it!!! 

It's nearly time to start working on new goals.  During that latter half of my educational journey, I also began building an awesome family to share my life with.  I actually like these people that I'm sharing a roof with.  Which is why my goals for the next era of my life include becoming a more enjoyable and involved family man, strive to be a more successful counselor, and having more fun- like this summer.  I'm also lucky to have great co-workers which helps encourage the "more successful counselor" part tremendously.  Hopefully, I can sleep some time in-between.  The camping, vacations or relief trips abroad, times at the park/ymca, and just goofing off with friends, new or old, brings relief to my soul.  Thanks be to God for blessing me with the life that I have.  Just nine more months!!!  :)
 

Financial Principles

6 Financial Principles to Loaning Money

           If the bank loans someone money with horrible credit and the person does not pay back the money to the bank, then it's the banks fault for taking the risk.  On a more personal note, you aren't helping someone if you are loaning him money and he has bad credit.  You are setting him up to fail.  If you want to help him, teach him to better manage the resources that he has.  Two, it's always better to give a gift, with no strings attached, then to give or borrow money expecting something in return.  Three, if you have work for them, let them earn the money.  Four, don't let loaning money get in the way of a relationship.  It's better to say "no," then for the relationship to become strained because he can't pay you back.  Five, if you do trust the person borrowing money from you, have clear expectations for paying it back.  Talk about what the person should do, in advance, if he can't pay it all back.  Six, if a person does not pay you back, do not let them borrow more money in the future. 
        Money can cause a lot of tension with family and friends & partners in businesses; manage those transactions wisely to maintain healthy relationships.  Check out these statistics:

• 57% of people said they have seen a friendship or relationship ruined because one person didn't  pay back the other
• Almost 50% have loaned $100 or more to help out someone, but 55% don't get repaid.
• 71% lend money to immediate family members, 57% to relatives, and 54% to friends. Dave Ramsey on lending money

By: Tony Nichols

Magic Videos

I have been getting into a new hobby lately.  I have learned that quality magic tricks takes a lot of practice.  I have some video footage of some of the tricks I have been doing of late. 
https://www.youtube.com/feed/?feature=guide