Relationship Goal: Connecting with Friends

We all seek out human connection with others and desire to feel accepted by those we seek, whether it be with family or friends.  Even you introverts have a desire to lace your shoes up to head out and get together with others at times.  Family (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins)  play a significant role in one's upbringing and overall development.  Bonding and connecting on a deep level with family is extremely important; when a son attaches to his mother it helps him to engage in healthy relationships for his future.  Family can also provide a great amount of unconditional love and support throughout a lifetime that helps people feel accepted.

Relationships with friends can be like family too.  Friends with an older gentleman can be a mentor like a father.  An older female can befriend you and hear you out like an aunt as well as give you wisdom like a grandma.  A best friend can be that brother in your life that you can trust anything with.  A female friend can be that fun-spirited sister that you never had.  Friends become spouses. Friends serve in the church/community together.  Friends become roommates that hangout daily or to just chill and watch Netflix. Close colleagues can become friends.  Friends are people you can share holidays with and play other significant roles in your life.

I'm appreciative of the friends I've had throughout my journey.  In every stage and move from Indiana to Missouri and from Kansas to Illinois, I have been and continue to be extremely blessed to find awesome friends to share my life with.  They have most definitely made a life-changing and long-lasting impact in shaping who I am.  You find wholesome friends by volunteering in the community at a school or a non-profit organization, joining a club or group that regularly meets in the community, going on trips abroad, consistently attending a church, or you could also find people you connect with at your place of employment.

Friends can be an excellent influence that can help you develop a good work ethic.  Friends  are there for you to help you discover more enriching ways to live your life.  They come alongside and help you search for a deeper meaning. Friends help pull you up/out of difficult times, and are there for you to celebrate success.  Friends might come in your life just for a period of time to provide support just when you need it or you come in their life just when they need it.  When no one else seems to understand what is going on in life, there is always that friend that listens or knows what to say. Friends can also help you get out of the mundane and go have some fun.  Friends can make an exhausting work day more enjoyable. Friends help each other accomplish their dreams.  

Being friends with others also takes time away from family or work, sacrifice rest or relaxation, drains you of emotional energy, put significant minutes on your phone, and miles on your car.  But the cost of friendship and the risk of seeking them out is beyond measure.  Join me in making it a goal to reach out and be that mentor, fun-spirited, or trustworthy friend that someone is trying to connect with and feel accepted.

Tony Nichols

          

Update on the NCE and LPC Journey

After four months, Monday I finally recieved the approval letter from the state board to register for the National Counselors Exam!!

Click on hyperlink below.

I sent in a few more fees, pertinent forms, and the approval letter today to Continental Testing Services and to the National Board of Certified Counselors in order to move this thing along to the next step in the LPC process.  Though now I'm waiting up to four weeks for another letter which enables me to schedule the exam.  Hopefully, I will be able to take this test before the end of the year.  Knowing what I know now, I should've applied toward the start of my last semester.

At least I have had ample time to study and to work on my resume.  Working at a Residential Treatment Center in my position with the challenging-but-awesome clients, great co-workers, and other collaterals has provided significant experience in the field but I'm looking forward to practicing therapy day to day.

Along the journey I have been developing a counseling niche.  With eleven years of experience working with the youth population that is an obvious one.  I have successful experience using evidence based techniques with clients who exhibit autistic features, suicidal ideation, mood disorders, and behavioral issues.  Whether it's a single mother and sibling family unit or a foster family, it takes a healthy and united family system to stabelize the youth in treatment, so family therapy is another specialization I want to take on.  I also have training with addictions counseling from Wasburn University so I'm looking forward to the challenges of addictions treatment in individual or group therapy with that population as well.  The M.Div I completed in 2013 adds another unique specialization I can offer for those who desire a faith based therapeutic approach.

Ok, back to Rosenthal (see Rosenthal on www.amazon.com to purchase) NCE study materials.  

Tony Nichols 

    -I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life. 

Treating Trauma in Children

I just recently began reading the book, Treating-Traumatic-Stress-Children-Adolescents.  The authors take the reader through the effects of how a child that is raised in an abusive or neglectful home does not develop healthy skills or attach to others appropriately.  It explains that children are resilient and will adapt to the environment they are raised in but may develop unhealthy coping or relational skills to receive their basic needs.  

Lets say there are three children and a single mother that dwell in an urban home in a poverished neighborhood.  One can already identify some challenges with just that scenario.  This already may cause the child to manipulate one parent over the other or to fight her siblings over basic needs.  The families recources could be limited and attachments to one or both parent's could be compromised. Now throw into the mix the mother's alcohol dependency, lack of employment, and her paramour that is physically abusive to her.  Sexual abuse is commonplace with the pre-adolescent and physical abuse with the two younder children.

What do the three children think about love, concern, hope, parenting, their feelings of anger, sex, friendships, etc.?  Children who are raised in the above environment will respond to the world differently than those who are raised in a healthier family context (Kids that are raised in a good home with caring parent's struggle enough to adapt to the world as it is).  The author suggests that "Our skills grow in response to the input our environment gives us, so that we can negaotiate that environment successfully.  In this sense, all of development can be considered adaptive (Blaustein & Kinniburgh).  Emotional arousal will increase as a childs needs are not met; they must adapt.  This is where acting out, throwing fits, aggression becomes a learned behavior as to meet a need.  A parent will meet the need of the child throwing a fit as a response to the fit.  Thus, a child learns how to get cereal, candy, or even a drink of water.  This becomes the child's reality or worldview as he/she grows up (acting out = needs/wants).

There needs to be some kind of change in the young person's environment (mother rehabilitates, foster care, treatment, group home, religious experience, college, etc.) if he/she is to react to the world differently as an older adolescent or an adult.  The Attachment, Self-Regulation, and Competency (ARC) is a treatment, as explained in the book, that helps to identify warning signs and asists with building competencies by working with the caregivers and the child that's experiencing the traumatic stress.

Tony Nichols

   --I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life.                                         

Emotional Intelligence: Responding to Personal Triggers

What are some of your emotional triggers or pet peeves?

 
* Talking about politics at work or a family gatherings
* When someone gives unsolicited advice
* Judgmental opinions
* Someone sneezing in your food
* Inconsistencies
* Spouse or subordinate overspending
* Car turning in front of you without a blinker
* No use of spellcheck in emails or important documents
* Someone with an "It's all about me" kind of attitude that you have to be around often.
* Getting cussed out/told off by a co-worker/family member
* Feeling guilty about a bad choice
* Getting slapped in the face
* When someone is rude to you for no apparent reason
* Drive-thru mishap
* When co-workers/family members arrive late

How you respond to triggers says a lot about your emotional intelligence.  When you become angry about one of your triggers, how do you cope?  - Smoke, punch a hole in the wall, drink, overeat, impulsive spending spree on amazon.com, call a friend, do a project around the house, go for a drive...

Our definition of emotional intelligence is- Emotional intelligence refers to an ability to recognize the meanings of emotions and their relationships, and to reason and problem-solve on the basis of them. Emotional intelligence is involved in the capacity to perceive emotions, assimilate emotion-related feelings, understand the information of those emotions, and manage them (Mayer et al.'s 1999)

You can take an emotional intelligence test at: Emotional Intelligence Test on the queendom.com website.  You will get an assessment from the test that will guide you through your own emotional struggles and strengths.  Review the results, explore/problem solve how you can better manage your feelings when you find yourself triggered.  This can improve relationships, provide a healthier culture at work/home, get more done around the house/work, and relieve unhealthy stress. 

Tony Nichols

 --I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life.  

 

Coffee Breaks Improve Mental Health

We all have busy days but there are also times when back-to-back appointments all day with clients, projects, or staff meetings keep us busier than most.  Then at the end of the day the eye lids close immediately after the head hits the pillow only to start over the next day at the same speed.  Those who find their employment to be fast paced, heavily interactive, and always meeting important deadlines may also find themselves neglecting a break time during their day.

Youth are staying busy with school all day then sports, clubs, and other extracurriculars in the evening are looking to get into the college of their dreams with the least amount of debt possible.  Parent's are making sure that their children are appropriately socialized and physically fit while also encouraging their child to explore every creative bone in their body with karate, gymnastics, guitar, 4-H, and every other activity that helps them engage.  Our jobs, events, and kids' activities are all exciting and reasonable, but are we getting any breaks to let our minds catch up throughout the day? 

What you do on your break makes a difference as well.  Using this time to pray, meditate, drink coffee, read a book, or doing something that relaxes you will make a significant difference on your stress level, blood pressure, and will provide a more positive day. 

In my academic career along with my professional experience working with youth in ministry, foster care, and residential treatment, there have been many days when a break was the last thing on my mind.  There have been times when I had to go to the bathroom all day or get a drink, but couldn't find the time.  There have been other situations when my wife asked me what I had to eat at the end of the day and I realized that I ate nothing all day.  Thankfully, not all seasons working with youth are the same. The last couple summers working nights were extremely involved, but fortunately this summer has been more relaxed with some much needed down time.  I'm appreciative of the days when breaks are more commonplace because it allows time for my brain to catch up and process information, relationships, and events in a healthy manner.  Do your mind a favor and take a break!

Recently, I read in a Stanford Graduate School of Business article that taking breaks increase productivity, which your boss will love, and it also improves your mental health.  The article stated,   

“It doesn't take much to convince business leaders and others that they should take a coffee break from time to time. Taking 10 or 15 minutes off ultimately increases productivity rather than decreasing it. How much more useful and fulfilling to stimulate one's "relaxation response" through a meditational or prayer practice during one of those break times.  If nothing else, there's good medical evidence that it helps you to reduce stress, limit negative emotions, lower blood pressure, restore calmness, and increase your overall sense of well-being.”*

                             *From: How to Bring Your Spiritual Side to Work Every Day | Stanford Graduate School of Business 

                             http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/how-bring-your-spiritual-side-work-every-day

Tony Nichols

--I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life.

Relational Challenges of an Addict pt. 2

Social impairment is a cause of concern for one who is recovering from a substance abuse addiction. Most users experienced being intoxicated during a great deal of their social gatherings so being sober may present some social awkwardness at those future gatherings.

Genograms can also be helpful when
exploring your relationships with others.

Social skills training is a significant portion of recovery as it will help to build healthy relationships with new/old friends or acquaintances.

You also may have some relationship repairing to do with those that have suffered the brunt of some of your anti-social activities while intoxicated or chasing after your next high. Building trust with those parties will be difficult but not impossible if you can admit that there is a substance abuse problem and a desire to work on building new social skills.

Being around a group of friends or relatives that use substances can be challenging as well when your trying to straiten your life out.  Alcohol, cocaine, or heroin may still be available within your social circles.  If saying no to your friends presents a problem then learning new social skills will be important in making this life transition.  Becoming more assertive with expressing your feelings and thoughts about your new lifestyle can help you to maintain your relationship yet still communicate clear boundaries.

A counselor/therapist will role play scenarios that may come up in the future with friends so that you can boost your confidence when in the moment; which will make the chances of recovery more successful. Group therapy is another way to develop social skills due to listening to others' challenging situations and learning how they successfully managed to say no.

Those that are recovering from a Substance Abuse Disorder that meet the criteria from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition have a diagnosis due to the regular use of alcohol/drugs that causes significant impairment "based on evidence of impaired control, social impairment, risky use, and pharmacological criteria" (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and was last updated on 6/17/2015).  The specifics of the disorder can be explained in the hyperlink. 

Tony Nichols

 --I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life.  

Relational Challenges of an Addict

When an addict is recovering from alcohol or drugs, overeating, gambling, or compulsive shopping, they still have the challenge for the rest of their lives with staying sober, eating healthy, and spending their money/time wisely.  The issue isn't just overcoming the behavior, but sometimes it's also moving past the people that they spend their time with.  Breaking strong bonds with others can be extremely difficult but it can also save your life.  

Do you want to finally get over the maladaptive behavior(s) that found you in court, in a messy divorce, or bankrupt?   Do you find yourself at the same watering hole and kicking up dirt with the same people only to find yourself in the same crisis situations?  Be careful choosing the people you hang out with.  Proverbs says that iron sharpens iron, but it also profoundly states that a dog returns to his vomit- a foolish person does the same foolish things over and over again.  Find people that will encourage you, that will be honest with you, that will give an ear when needed, and that will help you to be a better person.  Having fun is good too!  Eventually you become the person or people that you spend the most time with.        

If you want to be successful at turning away from unethical behavior or curbing an addiction that continues to bring you down, then you need to leave the corrupt characters in your life behind and move forward.  Though finding good people to hang out with can be challenging, perhaps you can find new friends in rehab, in your new class in college, at Sunday school/small group at a church, at your place of employment, or other social groups in your community.

No one is perfect and anyone can be a negative influence from time-to-time, but when you need to change significant behaviors in your life or maintain that change, be wise with those you spend your time with.  

Tony Nichols

     --I find joy in helping other's experience hope and peace in their life.